WHILE searching the shelves for a book about the mushroom murder trial a copy of Attached caught my eye.
Described as an insightful look at the science behind love and offering readers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections, I added the book to my purchases.
This was partly due to curiosity but also to the far-fetched notion that I’d stick to reading just a few chapters a day whereas I knew once I started on the book I’d selected about Erin Patterson’s trial it would likely result in some serious bingeing sessions.
Written by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller, the author’s note says attachment theory – pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s – is a vast and complex field of research that pertains to child development and parenting as well as to romantic relationships.
Levine and Heller say they have condensed years of adult romantic attachment research into a practical guide for the reader who wishes to find a good relationship or improve an existing one.
In their foreword to the 2019 edition, they say countless readers have conveyed to them that they found the book to be “a true revelation, a turning point in their lives”.
“Many of them expressed a profound relief to discover that their needs for closeness are valid; a biological fact they can embrace,’’ the authors say.
They outline the three main attachment styles or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children – secure, anxious and avoidant.
“Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimise closeness.
“In addition, people with each of these attachment styles differ in their view of intimacy and togetherness, the way they deal with conflict, their attitude towards sex, their ability to communicate their wishes and needs and their expectations from their partner and their relationship.”
According to the authors all people whether they have just started dating someone or have been married for 40 years fall into one of the above categories or more rarely into a combination of the latter two (anxious and avoidant).
“Just over 50 per cent are secure, about 20 per cent are anxious, 25 per cent are avoidant and the remaining 3 to 5 per cent fall into the fourth less common category (combination anxious and avoidant).’’
The three main attachment styles or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, outlined in Attached by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller, are secure, anxious and avoidant.The authors say understanding attachment styles is an easy and reliable way to understand and predict people’s behaviour in any romantic situation and that in romantic situations people are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.
They say attachment theory is based on the assertion that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes.
“Although we all have a basic need to form close bonds the way we create them varies.
“In a very dangerous environment, it would be less advantageous to invest time and energy in just one person because he or she would not likely be around for too long; it would make sense to get less attached and move on (and hence the avoidant attachment style.’’
Published by Pan Macmillan Australia, the book includes a relationship toolkit so you can work out your own attachment style and although it’s more difficult that of your partner or potential partner.
You can also learn the emotional price of connecting with someone who has drastically different intimacy needs from your own though they do suggest that by following tips and specific interventions tailored to the anxious-avoidant connection you will be able to bring the relationship to a more secure place.
At the start of the book the authors invite you to turn the page and start a voyage of discovery of what it means to be secure in a relationship but for someone who has never taken any notice of attachment theory as far as romantic relationships go this book has been a bit of an eye-opener.
While I’d like to be among the just over 50 per cent with a secure attachment style the fact I’m still to fill out the questionnaire to work out my attachment style could be a sign I’m not.
So I will just give the last word to Levine and Heller, who say those with a secure attachment style know how to sidestep many of the obstacles that people with other attachments styles have difficulty dealing with.
“You naturally gravitate toward those with the capacity to make you happy.
“Unlike the anxious, you don’t let an activated attachment system distract you – you aren’t addicted to the highs and lows of being with someone who keeps you guessing all the time.
“Unlike avoidants, you aren’t diverted by false fantasies of the perfect person waiting for you or “the one” that got away and you don’t unconsciously employ deactivating strategies that cause you to get cold feet when someone starts to get close.’’
